The Darkest Night
by Tad the Lesser
Summary: After the Joker blinds Nightwing, Oracle helps him find a way to come to terms with the loss of his sight.
1. Chapter 1

It was not Superman's habit to tresspass on Batman's territory, but the Alien Threat was simply too great to ignore. It was a monstrous being, twelve feet tall with a scaly hide as black as fresh asphalt and glowing red eyes. With one punch it sent Superman flying out of the solar system. The sonic boom shattered every window within a thousand yards and killed a young beagle named Kevin. The Alien Threat let out a deep guffaw and turned to begin turning Gotham City into a smouldering ruin of smouldering ruins.

Batman was standing behind him, arms crossed, with a frown so deep it made the Grand Canyon look like a crack in the sidewalk.

The Alien Threat raised his fist to smash the Dark Knight into a smear of person jelly.

"I'm Batman," Batman said.

The Alien Threat froze in place. It locked eyes with the Caped Crusader, deathly red fire battling opalescent white ice. Minutes passed. A bead of sweat trickled down the side of his face and dripped onto the ground, melting a small pit into the concrete.

Very slowly, the Alien Threat lowered his fist and began backing away slowly from Batman. He slunk back into his spaceship and blasted off.

Batman glared at it.

It exploded.

"I'm Batman," said Batman.


	2. Chapter 2

Batman considered smiling once.

Instead, he said, "I"m Batman."

After a moment, a man came along and gave him an ice cream cone. With sprinkles.

Batman did not smile. But he was pleased.

He licked the cone.

"I'm Batman," said Batman.


	3. Chapter 3

In the wee hours of the morning, Robin snuck back into the batcave. After a long night of crimefighting, Bruce was sure to be asleep, and it was the best opportunity he was likely to get. The Boy Wonder entered the room Batman never let him enter, picked the lock that had never been picked, and opened the vault that had only been gazed upon by one man in all of existence.

The diary was black, of course, a shade of black reminiscent of cheap curtains purchased at Walmart while they were on clearance five years ago, that have been well taken care of but are beginning to wear out despite the owner's best efforts.

Robin took a deep breath, licked his lips, and read the first page of the diary.

_August 5th, 2007_

_I'm Batman._

Robin stared at the words, contemplating. He turned the diary this way and that, studying the words from every angle. Sniffed the paper. Cautiously, he turned to the next page.

_I'm Batman._

A single hysterical laugh escaped from Robin's throat before he could stifle it. He gulped and looked around to make sure no one had heard. A bead of sweat trickled down his face. He turned to the next page.

_I'm Batman._

Robin made a mewling noise in the back of his throat. He read through the next several pages quickly.

_I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman._

Robin turned his head and vomitted. Wiping his mouth on the back of his hand, he turned the diary on its side and thumbed through it like a flipbook, twisting his head with a grimace so he could read.

_I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman._

_I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman._

_I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman._

_I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman._

_I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman._

_I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman._

_I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman._

_I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman._

_I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman._

Over and over the words assaulted Robins eyes like a pale man in a purple suit with a crowbar, until finally, just as his will to live was beginning to ebb:

_August 5th, 2012_

_You are not Batman._

Delicately, Robin placed the diary back into the vault, closed it, backed out of the room, shut the door, locked it, and turned around.

Batman was standing behind him, arms crossed, with a frown on his face so deep it made Emerson look like Frank Miller.

Without a word, Robin left the batcave and went to his room. In full costume, he crawled into bed, pulled the blankets over his head, and cried himself to sleep.

"I'm Batman," said Batman.


	4. Chapter 4

Batman woke up with a cold.

"I'm Batman," said Batman.

All colds, everywhere, died.

"I'm Batman," said Batman.


	5. Chapter 5

Batman, Robin and Nightwing stalked through the sewers of Gotham City tracking Killer Croc. Batman held a small screen with a map of the sewers on it, a single red dot holding steady at a crossing not far ahead. Robin and Nightwing had both donned their oxygen masks to combat the stench. It was almost four in the morning on Cinco de Mayo, and the sewers were running high with fresh waste. Batman simply glared at the empty air, and it took on a faint lemony scent before it entered his lungs.

They came upon Croc while he was crouched over a housecat, eating. Robin sprang forward and snared Croc in his butterfly net. It wasn't really a butterfly net, the rim of the net was four feet across and lined with syringes full of tranquilizers, battery acid and hawaiian punch. The net was steel cable soaked in goat urine. Croc tore through it with a roar of fury and sent Robin flying into a river of human excrement with a swipe of his tail.

Croc saw Batman scowling in the corner, Nightwing standing next to him, and charged with an enraged snarl. Nightwing leapt out of the way. Batman stood his ground as four hundred pounds of scales, muscle and trench coat came running at him. At the last second, Batman stepped to the side and punched Croc in the left nipple.

He began to lactate.

"What," said Killer Croc.

"What," said Nightwing.

"What," said Robin.

Batman punched Croc in the face, knocking out half of his teeth and stunning the scaled monstrosity into submission.

"I'm Batman," said Batman.


	6. Chapter 6

Catwoman pulled her goggles off and tossed them over the edge of the building. In midair they collided with a pigeon and tangled in its wings. The grey bird cooed in terror as it plummeted ten stories and crashed into the open mouth of Terry Landers, who choked to death in three minutes. Terry was an angry drunk and a wifebeater, so nobody was horribly troubled by his death, but the pigeon had a lovely funeral service with dozens of freinds and loved ones in attendance.

"I'm tired, Bruce," she said,"Tired of all the fighting, all the blood. I'm done with it."

Gently, she pulled Batman's mask away from his face. His black hair was mussed from the cowl, and there were dark rings beneath his eyes. Catwoman peeled off one of her gloves and laid her hand against his cheek.

"Come with me," She said. There was exhaustion in her voice, and hope. "You've done enough for this horrible city, for the whole world. Let Nightwing and the rest take up the slack. You deserve to rest more than anyone. Come with me and live while we both have some life left in us."

Batman closed his eyes. He stood there for a moment, with her hand on his face. Then he turned away and pulled his cowl back into place. The warmth in Catwoman's eyes withered and died.

"I'm Batman," said Batman.


	7. Chapter 7

Kevin the beagle barked twice.

"Wasn't that thing dead?" Robin asked.

"I"m Batman," said Batman.


	8. Chapter 8

"I'm Batman!" the Joker screamed, laughing maniacally.

Batman stood with his arms crossed, with a frown so deep it made the Mariana Trench look like a mud puddle.

He stood there for hours, while the Joker's laughter trailed off into awkward silence. The sun crept up over the horizon. The Joker looked at him expectantly. Batman stood there, scowling. A crowd of onlookers gathered, then left as the day wore on. Joker huffed through his nose and looked at his watch. It didn't tell time, since it was actually a severed human toe he had tied to his wrist with a length of dental floss.

Suddenly he lunged and dragged a homeless man out from a nearby alley. He pulled a short barreled revolver from a coat pocket and pressed it into the man's ear.

"Say it!" the Joker shouted over the man's screams of fear, "Say it or I'll blow his brains out!"

Batman stood there, silent and scowling.

After a few minutes the Joker let the man go with a disgusted grunt. He stared at Batman for a few seconds, scuffed at the sidewalk with his foot, then turned and left. He walked right through the front door of Arkham Asylum, ignoring all of the guards screaming and pointing guns at him, went back to his cell and flopped down on his bed, scowling.

Batman smiled.

"I'm Batman," said Batman.


	9. Chapter 9

Killer Croc walked up to Batman. His left nipple was in the shape of a kitten.

"What," Croc said.

Batman punched him in the face and returned him to Arkham Asylum.

Three weeks later, Croc broke out and walked up to Batman again. His nipple had returned to its normal shape.

"Thank you, Batman," Croc said.

Batman punched him in the face and returned him to Arkham Asylum.

"I'm Batman," said Batman.


	10. Chapter 10

After a moment of static, the smug voice of the Riddler emerged from the green cassette player taped to the hood of the Batmobile.

"Good evening, Batman," the Riddler said, "I, the Riddler, the greatest criminal in all of Gotham, have a riddle for you: What is black and white and red all over?"

"A zebra with a bloody nose?" Robin said.

"No guesses, Dark Knight? The answer is the first branch of Gotham National Bank after the bomb I left in the vault levels everything in a city block."

"Holy shit, that's on the other side of the city."

"Yes, Caped Crusader, the bank all the way on the other side of the city. And one more riddle for you before you go: How much time till the bomb goes off?"

"...Twenty minutes?" Robin said tenatively.

"Two minutes and forty-five seconds. Fourty-four. Forty-three."

The tape ended in maniacal laughter.

Batman scowled and narrowed his eyes so hard that the lenses in his cowl narrowed too. He and Robin leapt into the seats of the Batmobile. Batman slammed his foot onto the accelerator and the vehicle roared through the night.

"We'll never make it to the other side of Gotham in two and a half minutes," Robin said.

Batman flipped up a panel on the dashboard and broke the small pane of black glass beneath it, revealing a shiny red button.

"What the hell is that?" Robin asked, "You never told me about that button."

Batman placed his forefinger on top of the shiny red button.

"Wait, please let me out first. Letmeoutfirstletmeoutfirstle tmeoutfirstletmeoutfirstletm eoutfirst!"

Batman pressed the shiny red button.

Deep inside the Batmobile's engine, a small nuclear reaction initiated in a hardened chamber containing a lock of Charles Manson's hair, a Barbie doll and a slice of pumpkin pie. The chain reaction tore a portal through the walls of reality and opened up into the bowels of Hell itself. A tail of brimstone twenty feet long shot out of the Batmobile's exhaust and melted every car and building on the street and turned a mugger into a goat, which bleated once in confusion before being carried off by a peregrine falcon. The Batmobile hit a pothole at 5,000 miles an hour and launched into the sky, flipping end over end.

Robin screamed.

The Batmobile rocketed into the sky and shot straight out of Earth's atmosphere, taking a small chunk out of the moon as it raced past. After a few long minutes the Batmobile reached the sun, and Batman had to close the blast shields over the windshield to block out the light.

"We're too late," Robin said, "By now the bomb has already gone off."

Batman said nothing. The sun's gravity took hold of the Batmobile and slingshot it in a tight orbit that made it go even faster.

Batman pressed the shiny red button a second time.

Robin screamed.

This time the Batmobile went so fast that it tore a hole in the fabric of spacetime, and a few seconds later it landed with a roar and a shower of brimstone in the same alley they had just left. Twenty minutes earlier, while the Riddler was still taping the cassette player to the hood of the Batmobile.

"What," said the Riddler.

Batman punched him in the face. Then he brushed some grit and brimstone off the hood of the past Batmobile, hopped into the driver's seat of the future Batmobile, and drove around the corner. He and Robin waited for a few mintues with the Riddler unconscious in the trunk and watched the past Batmobile fly out of the alley.

"What about the bomb?" Robin asked tenatively.

An explosion rocked the city.

Batman glared at it.

The explosion folded back in on itself. The people in the affected area cam back to life and sneezed at the same time. They had a good laugh about it. The security guards in the bank got a good deep tan, and all in all everybody had quite a good time being exploded.

"What," said Robin.

"I'm Batman," said Batman.


	11. Chapter 11

"I bet you think you're pretty scary right now, eh, Batman?" the Penguin asked. He smirked and leaned back in the thin metal chair, the only piee of furniture in the GCPD interrogation room. "Well, you're not. Even if you were inclined to hurt me, I know you can't. Not with a dozen cops on the other side of that one-way mirror. Now why don't you scamper along and get Nesbit to cough up the 2.7 mil he owes me, and maybe his little girl won't freeze to death in the meat locker I've got her stashed in."

"Damn it, the Penguin's right," Commissioner Gordon said, "Maybe if we seed the money with some kind of tracking device, we'll be able to find the girl in time."

The eleven other cops in the room made noises of reluctant agreement.

"Batman will never go for it," Nightwing said from the corner of the room, "Not after it took us so long to track Penguin down. Don't worry, Commisioner, he'll talk."

"I won't have anyone torturing prisoners in my precinct, not even him," Gordon snapped.

"Batman knows that. He won't hurt Penguin."

Gordon stared hard at Nightwing, who shifted uncomfortably.

"You know, per say."

"He's doing something," one of the cops said, his voice a combination of excitement and dread. All eyes immediately swiveled back to the Dark Knight.

Batman slowly reached into a pocket on his utility belt with two fingers. Penguin eyed him nervously, wondering if he might have taken his situation too lightly. The small man blew out a breath in relief when he saw that it was only a stick of chewing gum in Batman's gloved fingers. Batman popped the gum into his mouth and began to chew.

Loudly.

Nightwing covered his eyes with his hands.

As the minutes wore on, Penguin began to glance at the mirror, reassuring himself that the two of them were still under observation, and therefore that he was safe from whatever enhanced interrogation technique Batman might be planning to employ. Gordon and the cops looked at Batman with a mixture of curiosity and impatience.

"What is he doing?" Gordon asked.

In response, Nightwing placed a wastebasket in front of him. Gordon looked at him questioningly, but Nightwing merely gestured at the interrogation room before backing into his corner and covering his eyes once again.

With deliberate precision, Batman removed the wad of chewing gum with thumb and forefinger. He studied it for a moment, nodded in satisfaction, and advanced on the Penguin. The little man kept his cool until Batman was two steps away. Then he sprang out of his chair and ran to the mirror, pounding on the glass and screaming to be let out. Batman grabbed him by the shoulder and spun him around. With his right hand the Dark Knight lifted the Penguin by the front of his shirt and slammed him agains the mirror. With his left he brought the wad of chewing gum to bear.

"Aaaaaaarrraaaaagh!" Penguin screamed, "Ghuuuuraaagh! Nuuuh! Nuuuuuh! Wuhuuuuaaaaaa! Waaaarghaaaanoooooo! Aaaaaaaaaagh!"

Gordon vomited explosively into the trash can in front of him while the cops trampled over each other in their mad rush for the door. One man fainted straightaway and the two behind him vomited on his unconscious body. Another sprinted headlong towards a door that existed only in his mind and knocked himself unconscious against the wall. The last man in line for the door, realizing that he would never make it, calmly drew his pistol, pressed the muzzle into his ear, and pulled the trigger. Three other men saw him and followed suit, realized what a marvelous idea it was, and followed suit.

By then Penguin was screaming the girl's location, his bank account numbers, a list of all of his accomplices, and confessing to a number of crimes he had gotten away with scot-free, including several from his childhood that he had committed while wearing his mother's clothing. Batman left him in a quivering heap and went to retrieve the girl.

Commissioner Gordon staggered over to Nightwing and pried his hands away from his eyes.

"WHAT DID I JUST SEE?!" he shrieked. Nightwing shrugged.

"It's not so bad," he said.

Gordon stared at him in frank disbelief.

"You should see what he does with Altoids."

Gordon stared at Nightwing in horror, imagining.

Nightwing stared back at Gordon with empty eyes, remembering.

Both men embraced and burst into tears.

"I'm Batman," said Batman.


End file.
